Perhaps I've been looking at this the wrong way. I've just been too caught up in everything that I've forgotten how things really work. But then again, I can't help it that that's the way I am. I want things to go a certain way and I want to be in control. I want everything to line up just the way it's supposed to (in my head at least). I don't want unexpected surprises creeping up. It has to go how it's supposed to go, how I want it to go.
See see, it's all 'I want this', 'I want that', 'I don't want this', 'I don't want that'. Mengada seh. Siapa aku ni sebenarnya nak cakap macam tu? I am nobody. I have no say in this. And yes, I realise that now. I'm tired of trying to be in control of every damn thing and freaking out when it doesn't go as planned. Enough is enough. I've been putting my faith in the wrong hands. It's about time I sit back, take a deep breath and let it all go.
I mean, I've just been obsessed. Trying to make this life fit a perfect mould that I've created for myself, and the idea that the mould breaks just scares me to bits. Now, I'm done. The car is moving, my arms are in the air and I've let go of the wheel. I'm putting my trust in Him. He sees the bigger picture, He always has. Should I keep putting my belief in people, and be hurt? Macam Myriam Francois-Cerrah kata, put all your faith, belief and trust in Him and InsyaAllah you'll be okay. Things might work out even better than you'd ever hoped they would.
So yeah, I have to stop trying to be my little control-freak self and just let everything fall into it's rightful spot. Maybe I'm not supposed to be in charge of everything that goes on, or how it all ends up. Maybe I just like knowing how it's all going to turn out. Usaha tu usaha jugak, mengharap pun mengharap jugak. But you know what? In the end, He has the final word. And I should trust Him, no one else.
I'm letting Him take over.
*Inspired after a long and much needed catch up session with my lovely Hajar Mardhiah, and a brilliant talk by Myriam Francois-Cerrah.
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